Forgive Me
by Shinigami no Kamikaze
Summary: Duo is tormented by a duplicate of himself in dreams (bad summary, but oh well). Angst, shounen ai (2x1), cussing, and general unpleasantness... along with a healthy dose of strangeness. Songfic w/ 'Forgive Me' by Godsmack.


Kilik:Shinigami no Kamikaze does not own Gundam Wing or the song 'Forgive Me' by Godsmack. If you must sue someone, sue Hwoarang.  
Hwoarang:What?!  
SnK:Well, you have to do something useful... and since you never work, you get to take your pick of beng my scapegoat or being Zerg food.  
Zergling:KKKkkkkkrrcccttttt! *opens jaws filled with razor sharp teeth and drools*  
Hwoarang:I hate you.  
SnK:Oh, so you want to be the zerg food?  
Hwoarang:*mumbles something then shuts up*  
Kilik:Contains shounen ai (2x1), cussing and unhappy stuff (like angst). There also some weird shiz.  
SnK:But I was completely sober at the time... *coughunlikeSnakebitecough*  
Hwoarang:Well that certainly is something to be proud of...   
SnK:*glares at him* Silence! At least I got off my lazy ass and wrote something!   
  
(*Zell from FF8 just pops in* This fic contains some referances 'n' junk of the pasts seen in Episode Zero, but as 'Kaze-chan hasn't read 'em.. only picked up stuff from ficcies... if things are wrong, please forgive her. Also, it's good if you know this version of Duo's past 'cause she doesn't take much/any time to explain *he disappears*)  
  
  
Forgive Me  
by Shinigami no Kamikaze  
  
  
// There's nothing to me now //  
  
Duo sat alone in his filthy apartment, surrounded by bottles which he didn't have the will to throw away. He did not do much anymore. He had one desire--get drunk to the point of numbness as fast as possible.  
  
The depression started after the Mariemaiya incident. All his physical wounds left from the wars had healed, yet the emotional remained as deep and painful as the day he recieved them. It was most likey due to Duo's policy of dealing with things by not dealing with them.  
  
Duo blamed himself for so much. He hated himself. All the death he'd seen during his short life had taken it's toll on him. Duo hid it with a smile, and it helped him as much as putting a band aid on gunshot wound to the stomach. But it was enough to keep those around him from suspecting anything was wrong.  
  
The war ended, peace came, and Duo felt out of place. He started a scrap business with Hilde for income and as a way to distract him from his problems. Once it came appearent no one needed him, he started working on making sure he didn't have to feel any more pain. There was no reason for him to suffer anymore.  
  
Hilde moved away with some guy (Gerome something-or-other) after she realized her attempts to get Duo were going nowhere. He himself had not figured out why he had never been attracted to her the way she wanted (at least, he had not given it much thought) until recently.  
  
Duo closed his business. The will to work had left him. It could no longer keep the pain at bay. So he went to visit the other pilots.  
  
Quatre had his financial empire to deal with. He'd sat around while Quatre sipped tea and they talked for awhile, and it was okay... it was just Quatre got interrupted at least once every ten minutes. Seeing as how he only seemed to disrupt Quatre's life, Duo quickly moved on.  
  
Trowa had been quite busy as well. He'd also been his quiet, distant self. Finding himself very bored very fast, he stopped by the next pilot's.  
  
He found Wufei. Staying there was a good deal more amusing than his other trips. Wufei and he had shared in playful banter, but after not too long Wufei got called up on duty. Duo slipped out, and went to the next stop he was almost afraid to make.  
  
Duo thought he'd have to look for months to find Heero. After the first day of looking, however, he recieved an email from him stating clearly he knew that Duo was looking for him, and then gave his address.   
  
When Duo got there, he found a very slightly less stoic Heero Yuy... and surprizingly, he had a great time. Sure, Heero still did not talk much, but Duo could always tell. He spoke volumes in those Prussian blue eyes of his (it was just people didn't know how to read 'em right). Since Heero did not seem to be doing much either, Duo stayed for a couple of weeks. He found himself starting to feel like the person he pretened to be (the person who had once been him, but died sometime during the way). He was happy.  
  
Duo came to realize during that week why Hilde had held no interest for him. He was attracted to Heero. Figuring he had no chance with Heero he said nothing about it. Just enjoyed the time he had, because he knew no happiness lasted in his life, and that if he ever told Heero, he would disappear from Duo's life forever (or worse... although, Duo couldn't think of too many things worse Heero could do to him).   
  
Then came the day Heero said he was leaving tomarrow. He never explained why, never said where. Duo saw something was bothering Heero by the look in his eye. He tried to get Heero to tell him, but Heero quickly went on his guard, and Duo couldn't read his facial expression at all... Afraid he'd done something wrong, Duo had left that very night.  
  
// An empty shell unfolded //  
  
Which left him as he was: despondent, dejected, and drunk off his ass. He hurt worse than before, knowing that there was some he loved out there... someone that would never return the feeling, not in the least.  
  
The downside of alcohol... the one that Duo was most concerned about, at least... was it put him to sleep. He had lived with nightmares for the better part of his lifetime, but now they were different.  
  
---  
  
It started out 'normally'.   
  
Duo was a child again, back at the Maxwell church. It was one of the memories before the attack he remembered as well as if happened yesterday.  
  
It was soon after he'd first been taken to the orphanage. He still wasn't too trusting, though they [the people at the church, that is] were slowly winning him over. He had cautiously decided that he liked Sister Helen... Duo saw her kneeling in front of the altar, as she often did, and was taken by curosity.  
  
When she got up, she was surprzied to find Duo standing right there next to her. Before she could say anything, he questioned, "What were ya doing?"  
  
She smiled softly, "I was praying, Duo."  
  
"... praying? What's that?"  
  
She lead him over to a pew while she tried to think of a way of explaining that he would understand. Duo sat down on the hard wood and looked up at her expectantly.  
  
"That means I was talking to God."  
  
"Does He talk back?"  
  
She smiled. She would have liked to have called his ignorance innocence, but most of orphans at the church had seen and experienced too much to fit under that category. "Not in words."  
  
"Then how d' ya know He heard?"  
  
"He always hears, Duo."  
  
"..." Duo still wasn't sure if he believed in this God of theirs. Father Maxwell had tried explaining, but it was a hard concept for him to grasp... especially that some all-powerful, all-knowing, benevolent God had taken away his parents and then Solo. But as he learned to trust them, he found himself starting to believe what they said. "Whatcha talk ta Him 'bout?"  
  
"Many things... sometimes it is done in devotion.. sometimes we confess our sins... sometimes we ask for help... and often we give thanks for what we have."  
  
Duo was quiet for awhile as he let the knowlege seep in. "How d'ya pray?"  
  
"The isn't really a wrong way to talk to God, but usually we do it like this..."  
  
// How, when we learn to pray.. //  
  
Then Duo found himself watching from a thrid person perspective as Sister Helen started to teach him. What she said was suddenly drowned out by laugher... laughter he had been afraid to hear.  
  
// (inside our demons are laughing) //  
  
The scene ahead of him faded until he stood alone on a deserted L2 colony street. Sitting on some steps was himself, head down, body shaking with laughter. Suddenly he jerked his head up, and glowing green eyes met his own... eyes that were identical to that of his Deathscythe.. eyes without whites, without pupils, just a field of incandescent green light. He wore an evil smile on his face, and simply said, "Wake up."  
  
Moaning, Duo did awaken. His phone was ringing, but he couldn't get himself up to answer it. He didn't know if it was because he'd just fallen alseep and was still plastered, or if it was because that damn bastard was in his dream again.  
  
// How long will this go on?  
Are we a bit much stonger? //  
  
  
---  
  
Heero had spoken with the other pilots. They had all recently been visited by Duo, too.  
  
Thinking back on the visit, Heero had noted that Duo had looked worn down. He remembered seeing a haunted look lurking, now and then, behind Duo's shining violet eyes. He had gone to see if the other pilots had talked with him recently and noticed the same thing.  
  
Appearently, he wasn't alone. In fact, the others seemed to think there was something seriously wrong with Duo, but whenever they'd tried to talk to him about it or lure him into spilling any information, he'd change the subject or shrugged it off. They had all described Duo as being more downcast than Heero remembered...  
  
....except for that look Duo had given him when Heero told him he was leaving. That look made a chill run down Heero's spine. But it had only lasted an instant, so he had though of it as his own imagination... he still did... Duo wouldn't be that dejected, would he?  
  
As for him leaving, it was simply because he didn't think he could stay in such close quarters with Duo any longer without confessing. The braided boy's absense had chewed at his sanity since the end of the war, and the first few days together again had felt better than anything he'd experienced in his life.... and then came the crash. He couldn't tell Duo, couldn't tell him how he felt... and it hurt. It hurt to have love so close but so distant, knowing no way to to close the gap.  
  
Why didn't he just get it over with, just bite the bullet and tell Duo? Because Heero was a coward. He was afraid of these feelings, and he was afraid of Duo's reaction... more specifically of his rejection. He knew it, and cursed himself all the time for it. But what were the chances of Duo even liking other guys? So Heero decided it was in everyone's best interest if he kept it a secret and got away before the secret got out.  
  
Now he called Duo, worried about him. Duo answered the phone on it's seventh ring. His eyes were barely open, but Heero could tell they were bloodshot. Duo blinked, seeing him, and mumbled a greeting.  
  
"Duo, are you okay?"  
  
"100% right ash rain." Duo managed a smile.  
  
"You sound drunk."  
  
"Thasch 'cause I aaaam...."  
  
"Are you okay?" Heero asked firmly, repeating his question.  
  
// Do you think you can save me from livin' this way? //  
  
Duo looked at him, and even through the video phone, Heero could tell there was something he wanted to say. Duo was taken by surprize by that sudden desire to tell Heero everything... about how he felt about him, how he hated himself and everything, how worthless he felt, how much the idea of facing each morning made him want to scream and hide trembling in the darkest corner in the room. Duo suddenly sharply reminded himself 'It's the alcohol, Duo... do ya really want Heero to hate you?'   
  
"I'm grrrrrrrreeeeeeeat. Need sleep. Buh bai, Heero." With a wave, Duo cut off the transmission. Then he pulled the phone line out from the vidphone, and managed to get up and pull the rest out of his remaining phones. Then he fell into bed, knowing from experience that he couldn't fight off sleep, and that he couldn't hide from the nightmare... the only time they'd been held at bay was during the days during the war when he'd roomed with Heero.. the times he knew the perfect soldier was right there. He hadn't even made that connection until recently...  
  
But now, not even Heero had the power to keep the nightmares away.  
  
---  
  
Everything was going fine. They walked through the streets of Heero's L1 colony during night cycle, and turned into an alleyway, where they found themselves in a meadow with the sun shining. Heero smiled, and Duo dragged him to the center of the field, where he tripped and they fell down together. Heero didn't seem to mind being tangeled up with him, and then Duo found himself saying, "I love you." Then Heero looked over at something and his eyes widened. Duo followed his gaze, and unwittingly let out a shriek of fright and surprize.  
  
"I never heard anything more ridiculous in my life." The green-eyed doppelganger said from only 10 feet away, standing with his arms crossed and eyes narrowed, "You loving something? Get real. You can't love."   
  
With a wave of his hand, the meadow lit on fire, and Heero dissolved into ashes in Duo's arms. Duo cried out again, and stood up, not knowing what to do. Heero was dead... and the flames.. oh, God, the flames... the heat.. the smoke... the scent of burning flesh! He had to get away--  
  
Then he was in blackness, trembling and sitting on a hard suface he could not distiguish from the 'air' around him. Heero was gone, and couldn't protect him... the flames and familiar scents had brought memories of the massacre fresh into his mind... he remained trembing and quiet as a dot in the distance got bigger and bigger until he could tell it was the green-eyed Duo.  
  
"You. can't. love." He repeated once he got within earshot, and then added, "How could you when no one's ever loved you?""  
  
"I... that's not true!"  
  
"Oh, is it?" The doppelganger smiled. Duo knew that smile... Dreaming.. he was dreaming! That smile... Duo squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to go through the rest of this nightmare. He tried willing himself awake, but it would not happen. Duo only awoke when -he- let him.  
  
He didn't know what this thing was that haunted his dreams, but he did not want to be tormented by him again. If it was just a stupid dream, why did it hurt so damn much... ?  
  
Duo was shaken by a pair of hands, and opened his eyes to meet unnatural green ones. The double removed his hands , "Afraid of a few visuals..? Fine. I'll just explain."  
  
Stepping a few feet away from Duo, he simply watched the still shaking boy. "You think Solo ever cared for you...? You were just another lookout, another pair of hands... it was a relationship forged out of need.."  
  
Out of the blackness in front of the doppelganger Solo's unmoving form began to appear. The doppelganger kneeled by it, and Duo started to scoot away from them both, and the double smiled.   
  
"So I lied..." He looked down impassively at Solo's body, and said, "Why would he care for you when you killed him...?" He kneeled down and lifted up one of Solo's arms and let it drop lifelessly to the ground with a soft thump. Once it landed, the body immidately started to decay much faster than should be possible.   
  
He glanced up at Duo, "If you cared, then why would you do it? I'm surprized he didn't curse you with his last breath... but then again, I suppose that was impossible for him to do, considering all the blood in his lungs..." By this time, Solo's body was impossible to identify, the flesh having nearly melted completely away. Empty sockets infested with maggots met Duo's eyes as what was once Solo's head rolled to the side.  
  
// I don't know how to love //  
  
Standing up, the doppelganger jumped on top of Solo's ribcage, effectively collapsing it with a sickening cracking. "I guess he didn't have to curse you, though... You were cursed at birth."   
  
He snickered at Duo, pale faced and cowering, "You know it's true... don't you? Going to say something?"  
  
"Stop... please... stop this.." He couldn't believe this... this sadistic part of his imagination. He had to be strong. He chanted over and over in his mind, 'It isn't real.. it isn't real... it isn't real...' But the knowlege did him little good. The images may not be real, but the pain certainly was.  
  
"But we're not even halfway done! I mean the people at the Maxwell Church didn't really love you, either. They did it out of duty to their God, to assure their places in heaven... not out of genuine concern for you."  
  
"Shut up.. they weren't like that... "  
  
Picking up the dust Solo had become, the doppelganger started to let it fly into the air as if a breeze were carrying it, even though there was none, "But they all ended up like poor Solo here, didn't they? All because of you."  
  
"No... no! It wasn't my fault!" Duo had once to believed that. While he'd blamed himself as a child, the guilt had passed with time and he knew there was nothing he could have done... but now. Now he could hardly stand whenever he thought of the incident because of the weight in his heart. The images this doppelganger conjured, the words he'd used to assult Duo for more than a year... they had eroded away his reason and laid open the path for guilt once more. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!!" Pain greater than that he'd known in childhood came crashing down on him.. all those lives... all his doing.  
  
"And what about your parents? Are you sure they didn't abandon you, knowing about your murderous streak?"  
  
"No! I'm an orphan, damn it! They died!," Duo held back his sobs. Crying did nothing, it never had helped and it never would. He would not give in to this doppelganger and the limitations of his own fragile psyche. "Just like everyone else... everyone else you delight in telling me about!"  
  
Sensing Duo's unwillingness to go any further than that, the doppelganger pushed, starting to walk closer to him "... but you don't remember your parents, so how could you know if they were killed?"  
  
"I remember knowing they were dead. They are dead!" He wanted to back away from the advancing figure, but couldn't get himself to move. He did not know if it was his own fright, or the doppelganger's own power that kept him frozen.  
  
Now he stood directly in front of Duo, only a foot seperating them "Are you sure you didn't just make that up to ease the pain of knowing that not even your own mother loved you...?"  
  
"No!" He was trying to convince himself now more than the doppelganger.  
  
"You're doubtful."  
  
"NO!"  
  
// I just know how to live //  
  
The double knelt down and stared Duo straight in the eyes. "Living on the streets taught you one thing, and one thing only: survival. Love is counter productive to that... No one ever taught you to love by example... and by now, it's too late..."  
  
"It's not true!" Duo yelled, and he threw a punch straight for the center of the doppelganger's face. The double narrowly avoided it, moving at inhuman speed. He suddenly seemed excited and even happy as he stood and backed up a couple of steps. Duo shot up, and screaming in rage, ran at the doppelganger punching and kicking yet never hitting anything but empty space.  
  
"That's it, Duo. Let's see who you really are...", he said while tilting his head to avoid one of Duo's fists. Then he turned and ran as people materialized all around Duo. Duo tried to go after the double, but he disappeared in the crowd.. then he began to realize who the crowd was made up of. The rebels who'd taken over the church, Alliance and OZ soldiers. Once again converting his anger into sound, he cried out, flying at the unresisting tarets.  
  
// All I feel is hate //  
  
He snapped necks, broke backs, cracked skulls. He had lost all control, and these people who had done nothing but cause him pain all his life happened to be in the way. None of them ever moved.. it was if they were mannequins set here for exactly this purpose. Then he collapsed, spent.  
  
Then came that detestable vocie again (the one that mimiced.. was.. his own). It came from nowhere, and yet it was everywhere. "This is you, Duo Maxwell. The murderer. Hate is a thing you know well... it is the absence of a strong hatred that you've mistaken for love.... you may wake up now."  
  
Duo opened his eyes, breathing hard and drenched in sweat. He took a few moments to calm down, mind reeling from all the doppelganger had said tonight... he didn't want to believe it... he couldn't...  
  
But he did.  
  
Moaning, full hangover in effect, he tried to get up from off the bed, but found it too hard. He decided to lay there for while, but he wouldn't let himself fall alseep. Sleeping off this hangover was definately not an option.  
  
// Will you forgive me? //  
  
'Solo... Sister Helen.. Father Maxwell... everyone... where ever you are... although it never will bring you back.. although it'll never make things right... even though it's worthless.... I'm sorry'  
  
---  
  
// (No, I...) //  
  
Duo stumbled back into the apartment from a long day. He hated his current job. He was a janitor at a local elementry school. He never used to hate kids so much... the little bratty bastards. But then again, these kids weren't anything like those he'd grown up with. They were ignorant, arrogant, asinine little sons of bitchs who acted like they knew everything and complained about how they were horribly opressed by the evil dictators known as their parents....  
  
He figured that the kids weren't truely as awful as he really thought of them. It was just that after cleaning up after them, wiping up their vomit, and taking their shit without being able to say much back to them lest their parents complain and get him fired pissed him off. And listening to them whine about problems that weren't that bad... problems that he would have been happy to have as a child. He'd rather to have been forced to eat broccli than to have starved...  
  
// (No, I...) //  
  
It was because of his job he didn't get drunk as often as he would have liked. He didn't feel like finding another job (as they were kinda scarce) , and since they looked down upon hungover people screaming obsenities at small children....  
  
// (No, I...) //  
  
Now he was back at his apartment, exhausted as always. It might have helped if he ate a little better, but he was never that hungry and couldn't afford that much on his salary, anyway.   
  
He stumbled over to his bed.. did he really want to go through with it? No... he'd tried fighting off sleep before... it wouldn't work. It always made it worse when he eventually succumbed...   
  
---  
  
Duo threw off the suit, and watched it collide into another Leo and explode, taking both soldiers to hell.  
  
// For all those things I've done... //  
  
Turning around, he saw nothing but a wasteland. Scorched earth running with blood. So much blood... Suddenly he no longer was in Deathscythe, but stumbling along on the battelfield, faceless bodies clothed in OZ uniforms everywhere. Red sores started to develop on their skin, and crimson fulid at first came oozing... and then gushing.. from them. As their bodies emptied of their blood, the bodies began to cave in, no longer having anything to keep their shape.  
  
// They keep on creepin' by me //  
  
This wasn't what he wanted.. this is not what he'd ment... he'd had to! It was a war!  
  
He stopped as one body caught his attention. The blue eyes were sticky and lifeless, and Duo fell on his knees by the body, tears running down his eyes, "Heero... no...no... it isn't... it can't..."  
  
// And though we've changed our ways... //  
  
Then a noise behind him made him turn. Faceless soldiers were getting back up, their bodies whole and healthy. They headed for them, and Duo paniced. Grabbing an assult rifle close by, he started gunning them down. To his horror, as they fell, they turned into children... children he knew from work... he screamed and threw the gun away. But it was too late. They were all dead.  
  
// (still all our demons are laughing) //  
  
There was that laughter. That hateful, hateful laughter. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, and he heard footsteps coming closer.  
  
"You can never change what you are... animal.. killer... murderer. They were just children"  
  
"I... I didn't.. I would never... " He kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to see them all dead. He would never harm those kids.. he wouldn't.  
  
"Sure you would.... what possible way do you have of knowing who you killed, anyway? There were faceless, all hidden by their mobile suits. Murderer."  
  
"Shut up. It was war. They would have killed me if I hadn't... They would have caused more death unless I stopped them." Duo yelled at the double he knew was there, even though he still did not look.  
  
"Who gave you the right to choose?"  
  
"No one else would do anything... I couldn't let it continue."  
  
"Liar. Murderer."  
  
"I'm not!"  
  
"Look me in the eyes and say it."  
  
Hesiatantly Duo cracked open his eyelids. He saw the bright green lights that passed for eyes on the double... but there was something different. Then Duo realized that wings akin to Deathscythe's were attched to the doppelganager's back. 'Demon...' was the first thought in his mind.  
  
"You're the demon," the double hissed, then smiled. "Death doesn't choose sides, but you did... didn't you?"  
  
Duo said nothing. The tears were in his eyes once more. He was nothing but a murderer! All those lives he'd taken... lives he had no right to take... God, what had he done?! He had to do it... but... but now... he couldn't see things the same way. Animal, killer, murderer....  
  
Then the double offered him a knife, "I know you hate me... then kill me... kill me the same way you've slaughtered all these other people."  
  
Duo took the knife with a shakey hand... this demon.. this double.. whatever it was... it was the one torturing him. It was the one causing him all this pain! This doppelganger that had never shown any respect for anyone he loved... this stupid figment of his imagination... why not? It wasn't like this thing was alive! He cried out in rage and fusteration, and thrust the knife into the doppelganger.  
  
A bolt of pain rushed through him a if it were he who were stabbed. The double simply smiled, "Looks like we're connected.. we're the same... so I wouldn't be calling me names, if I were you." Duo looked down at the blood that stained his shirt, and stumbled backward. Then he cried out in pain as the demon pulled out the knife, not looking as if he felt anything.  
  
The blood on Duo's hands suddenly began to sting like acid. He looked down at it in horror. The double chuckled. "Never get blood on your hands when you're in a moblie suit, do you?"  
  
Duo saw the trickle of clear water... somehow untainted by the blood that was everywhere... he ran to the stream to get the burning red off his hands. It all appeared to be in vain, but Duo just scrubbed harder and harder. He cried out as the pain grew greater and greater, beyond his ability to contain it. Then there was nothing but the sound of the demon laughing and his screams.  
  
The demon grabbed him by the back of the shirt, and threw him into a lake of blood that set his entire body burning. Duo sputtered to the surface, crying out in pain. There was nothing at all but pain and guilt, sorrow and angusih. The double stood next to him in the blood pool calmly, the blood hitting his midchest level, and was completely unharmed. "It wouldn't hurt you if you admitted it to yourself..."  
  
Finally, the demon got bored with Duo's screams. "That's enough."  
  
Then Duo woke up.   
  
Shaking, he looked down at his hands, which were bloody, shards of glass protruding from his skin. Strangely, he felt no pain. He blinked, wondering what could have happened, and saw a broken liquor bottle his hand must have crashed into. Dragging himself up to his feet, he stumbled to the sink. Carefully pulling out the glass, he numbly went about disinfecting and bandaging the cuts. None of the shards had gone far into his hand, and after testing out each finger, it didn't seem anything had been permenantly damaged. Not that he would have cared. Everything was beyond him now.  
  
---  
  
// How long will this go on? //  
  
"Leave me alone... just leave me alone!" Duo screamed. He was confronted by the other demon. The one with the red eyes. He rarely saw this one, but his... 'personality'... was different from the green eyed one. He was usually more violent.   
  
Duo hated the green one more... that one never seemed to be upset, and was endlessly amused by his pain. But he'd had enough of them both, and was so close to breaking down completely.  
  
"I haven't done anything yet." The demon looked at him with false innocence. "I mean, the whole world gave you a second chance, why not give me one?"  
  
"Just stay the hell away!" They stood on a perfectly serene field with a clear blue sky and spring flowers. This is what worried Duo the most... now what trials would he be put through?  
  
"You're hurting my feelings", the doppelganger said plaintively.  
  
"It's nothing compared to what you've done to me!"  
  
"What I've done to you is nothing compared to what you've done to others." He started to close the 20 foot gap between him and Duo, walking toward him slowly and purposefully.  
  
"Shut up! I don't want to hear it anymore!"  
  
"Now you're starting to annoy me." Now the double's eyes narrowed somewhate, and his voice held a distinctive growl. "It isn't your choice. This is what must be."  
  
"Leave me the fuck alone, you sadistic asshole!"  
  
The demon's eyes narrowed into slits, and the world darkened so that his face was illuimated by the red light coming from them. "Now I'm getting angry..."   
  
The demon ran at Duo, and Duo held his ground, knowing that if the demon wanted to fight him, he would corner him no matter where Duo tried to run. The double moved faster than Duo, and before he knew it, the demon threw a right hook to his face, then a left cross. A split second later, his swept his feet out from under him. Duo landed painfully on asphalt, as their location changed to the middle of an empty L2 colony street in an instant.  
  
The demon loomed over him, his eyes glowing more brightly than before due to his agitation. Placing a boot on Duo's throat, he thought for a moment about what he was going to do. Duo noted his distraction and grabbed the demon's foot, twisting it sharply, causing the double to fall over and yelp in pain.  
  
Duo flew into action, sitting up and then lunging for the double. He began to relentlessly pound on the demon's face, screaming in rage and letting lose his fury. Then the demon's hand caught him in the chest and threw him back with enough force to send him into a brick wall 10 feet away. The doppelganger stood up, face bloody and cut, eyes each shining with the intensity of the sun due to his anger. Duo moaned, and tried to stand up, but his legs would not work.  
  
"That was not an intelligent thing to do." he hissed, while he walked over to Duo. Duo lay helpless, his body non-responsive to his commands. The demon ripped off Duo's shirt, "I will teach you your place!" he cried, hands moving downwards. The demon started to tear down Duo's pants, and Duo cired out, knowing no one would be out there to hear him.  
  
Then Duo was slapped across the face, and he opened his eyes.  
  
"Wake up, Duo, you were having a nightmare." Familiar voice... Heero's voice!  
  
Not caring for consequences, Duo threw himself into Heero, holding him tightly. Heero awkwardly placed his arms around Duo, and felt Duo shaking.  
  
"It's okay, Duo... it was just a dream."  
  
"No! No, you don't understand... you don't know..." Heero did not question further until Duo pulled himself back together a bit and quit trembling. After awhile, Duo stopped shaking and pulled away from Heero.  
  
"Then explain."  
  
Duo looked into Heero's eyes. Would he believe? Could he ever? Or would he just think Duo had lost his mind and send him off to an institution?  
  
"I... I can't right now, Heero. I just--"  
  
"It's okay, Duo. You don't have to say anything you don't want to." Heero's voice was surprizingly soft, although he still did not carry much emotion in it. They sat in silence for a few moments.  
  
"Why did you come?"  
  
"I suspected something was wrong when you came to visit. After finding out you'd visited the others, and they suspected the same, I came to make sure you were all right."  
  
Hah... always business with Heero, not personal, really... but it was better than nothing. "So, when are you leaving?"  
  
"When you say you want me gone."  
  
Duo smiled a bit. He wondered if Heero really knew what he was getting into.  
  
---  
  
// Aren't we a bit much stonger? //  
  
Duo and Heero grew closer. Heero often woke Duo up from his nightmares although the demons did not appear as often as they used to in his dreams; when they did Heero chased them away. The times they did come, usually it was only once a night, so after Heero woke him up once he could sleep the whole night soundly... he actually found himself rested in the morning.  
  
After a week, Duo became comfortable enough to tell Heero what went on during his nightmares. The rivers of blood, the cries of the dead... and, last of all, the demons. Heero was quiet the entire time, and did his best to try to comfort Duo. It had been three days since then and the demons had not come back at all.  
  
// I'd like to think you've came into my life to stay //  
  
Duo jumped into Heero's lap. Heero looked at him confused, and Duo just grinned. He then hugged Heero, and to his pleasure, Heero did not stiffen.  
  
"What's this about?"  
  
Duo sighed, cheer leaving him for a moment. Here he was, about to risk every bit of happiness he'd been able to build during this last week and a half... it wasn't a very easy thing to do.. but it'd been driving him insane, possibly more so than even the demons. "I.. I have to tell you something, Heero."  
  
"I'm listening"  
  
Duo looked straight into Heero's eyes, and hesitated. Something about them... Duo shrugged off his own anxiety, and in a moment of bravery softly said, "I love you..." Then he squeezed his eyes shut, afraid the answer might be a punch in the face, even though he really had no evidence to come to that conclusion... he simply expected the worst.  
  
Then his felt arms around him. He laid his head upon Heero'd chest as he returned the embrace, and listened to the steady beating of Heero's heart. They sat like that for awhile before the silence was broken. "Duo..." Heero murmured, "I have something to tell you..."  
  
Duo pulled back so his could look into Heero's eyes... and met nothing but meancing luminecent green. He heard a voice an exact copy of his say, "Just kidding." And then Heero began to laugh hsyterically.  
  
Duo screamed in horror, and fell to the floor then stumbled away from him, eyes wide open in terror. The image of Heero Yuy started to distentigrate, leaving nothing but the green eyed, demon winged doppelganger in his place, still laughing.  
  
Duo couldn't control the tears. He was in shock. It couldn't be.. it couldn't be! The betrayal, the pain... his heart was shattered, his soul was one fire, his sanity was streched to it's farthest limits. His mind tried rejecting the information. It wasn't so. It wasn't!  
  
The demon began to calm, and saw Duo huddled in the corner, his whole body shuttering violently as he cried. The double giggled.  
  
Duo at last found the power to speak. "Y-you... you... you... you fucking son of a bitch! Stay the fuck away from me! Go back to hell! Haven't you tormented me enough!? How dare you do something like that!!"  
  
The demon looked at him, entertained. "Once I figured out I had broken the subconscious barrier, I just had to think of a creative way to tell you!" He smiled. "And you should thank me.. I don't think you would have liked what the red-eyed one would have done to you if I hadn't woken you up that first night."  
  
"Instead of raping my body you raped my soul... and you want me to thank you!?!"  
  
The doppelganger snikered, "What makes you think you have a soul?"  
  
// I don't how love  
I just know how to live  
All I feel is hate  
Will you forgive me? //  
  
Duo no longer was paying attention to him. His mind coulnd't accept the information. He was rocking back and forth on the floor, his eyes shut, chanting, "It isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real..."  
  
"Oh... I assure you... this is reality." The doppelganger got up from the seat, and watched as Duo continued to shake and cry and chant. He observed for awhile, then started to tap his foot. With a sigh and seeming quite bored, he left Duo to himself.  
  
// I don't know how to breathe, with you too far away. //  
  
Duo lost track of time, but he cried until he was exhasted and his throat was raw from his litany. Mechanically he stood up, and leaned against the wall for support. Then he stumbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. And he saw that hateful face. The face of his tormentors, the face of the soldier, the face of Shinigami... that hafeful, hateful image!   
  
The damn demons were right... all he knew was hate.  
  
// ...don't know how to love... //  
  
Still sobbing, Duo stumbled over to his bed and fell down upon it. Heero.. Heero could never love him. How did you love a demon incapable of love? With a wail, Duo cried out all his pain, anguish, and anger in one terrible blast of sound.  
  
// (no, I... no, I.... no, I....) //  
  
Duo did not turn, but he knew the demon was behind him. He had not even made a sound, but Duo felt him there.   
  
"What's the point of life if you cannot love?"  
  
Duo choked down a sob. He was right... he hated him so much... but the fucker was right!  
  
// I can't live ... I can't live this way! //  
  
The doppelganger watched as Duo cried.  
  
There was nothing left in Duo's mind but the pain. The capacity to feel or think of anything else seemed to have left him. Agony swept over him, wrapped around him, and smothered him. He had never been a stranger to pain, but now there was nothing but.  
  
Now the double became impatient.  
  
"Coward... are you just going to sit there and waste away, or are you going to do something?" the demon demanded.  
  
Duo looked at the demon, and the demon smiled seeing the look of one already dead in his eyes. Pain was etched into Duo's expression, in the very way he moved and even breathed ... the double was happy, but not satisfied.   
  
"You know what to do. Death will be your release."  
  
Duo looked up at the demon stupidly for a moment. Suicide? Was that what he wanted?  
  
// I don't know how to love //  
  
"Do it, Duo. There's plenty of ways. I'd take the razor in the bathroom. No one will ever get to you in time."  
  
Duo started to shake again. The demon spoke to venomously... to eagerly... no! No matter how horrible this life was, he would not take it. He wouldn't kill anymore... not even himself.   
  
// I just know how to live //  
  
"What the hell are you waiting for?! Do it!" The doppelganger cried out angerly.  
  
Anger? .. this was not the demon who usualy became angry... what was going on? He grabbed his head. No! he wouldn't kill himself! He wouldn't!  
  
// All I feel is pain //  
  
"This life is nothing but torture! Get up! Do it! DO IT!" The double screamed at him. Duo curled up into a ball, trying not to listen. It was tempting... but no.. he wouldn't... he would fight him.  
  
// Will you forgive me? //  
  
The doppelganger walked up to Duo and pulled his hands away from his face. Duo saw the burning rage in those green eyes. "Do it... kill yourself, Duo... do it as repentance for all those things you've done... do it to set yourself free from this misrable existance... do it!" The demon's hands squeezed tighter and tighter around Duo's wrists.  
  
// I don't know how to breathe with you too far away //  
  
With a shriek, Duo broke his arms away from the doppelganger with a violent jerk. He turned and ran as fast as he could out the door, away from the demon... away from his problems... away from pain. Maybe if he could run fast enough....  
  
// I don't know how to love.... //  
  
As he got into the hallway, the demon stood right there, waiting for him, "You can't escape me... do it!"  
  
Duo turned around and ran straight into the demon. "DO IT!" he screamed.  
  
Sobbing once more, Duo fell to the floor, hands clutching his head, trying to block the demon out. No, no, NO! This wasn't happening... he was stronger than this.... "Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"  
  
// Past lives I've lived  
Uncontrolled but sacred  
You've finally seen all that's left of me //  
  
The demon crouched beside Duo and whispered in his ear, "End the pain, Duo...do it... take the razor and kill yourself... end this living nightmare... kill one ore time... do it, Duo. Do it." Duo pushed the demon away and tried to run for the door, and he heard the cackle of the demon's laughter. The demon appeared in front of Duo once more, crouched this time, and he tripped Duo. The impact forced all the air out of Duos lungs. "Stop it.. please, stop it!"  
  
Duo felt as he was dragged up from the ground, and he tried to squirm away, but it was no use. Ignoreing Duo's pleas, the double forced him into the bathroom and shut the door. "Do it, Duo! Do it! Do it!"  
  
Duo then knew there was no escaping. There was no way out. He continued to cry, and the double simply stared, boring holes into Duo with his vemonous stare. Choking on a sob, Duo saw no other way out... he had to do this. It was his only choice.   
  
He grabbed onto the sink, and slowly dragged his body up. Opening up the medicine cabinet, he saw the glint of what we was looking for. With a shaking hand, he picked it up and fell to the floor.  
  
"Do it.... do it... do it.." The demon chanted quietly, encourgingly.  
  
More tears sliding down his face, Duo ran the blade from his wrist up along the vein in his arm, marveling at how easy it all was. Then he did the other. The demon oversaw him, smiling and calm once more. He leaned against the door and simply watched.  
  
The blood flowed thickly from the wounds, and the way it caught the light was quite facinating. Rivulets of crimson snaked down Duo's arms and onto the floor. It appeared the room was slightly tiled to one side... all the blood ran across the linoleum floor and thru the crack under the door.  
  
Silence reigned as Duo got tired... things started to get blurry around the edges ... as the blurriness moved toward the center of his field of vision, the edges became dimmer... darker... Time slowed down and Duo felt drowsy.  
  
Then there was someone on the door, pounding on it, screaming. Duo's drained and exhausted mind took a minute to accociate a name to the sound. Heero... could it be Heero !?  
  
But Heero was the demon.. but the demon was here watching him. What about the other demon? Was it being Heero now? What would be the point?  
  
"Duo! Answer me! DUO!"  
  
He'd never heard Heero yell like that, or sound so paniced... but instead of making Duo definately think that this Heero was a fake... something about that voice. Duo knew it was really him. "Heero..?" he whipsered, surprized at how weak his voice had grown.  
  
"Duo, open the door!" The fact that hope had leaked into Heero's voice gave more credence to his case.  
  
That demon! Was that why he'd been in such a hurry? Did he know..? Or was it just luck?  
  
Duo tried to stand, to reach for the door, but he slipped in his own blood and fell. "I can't..."   
  
The door shuttered like Heero was trying to break it down, but the demon held it in place. Duo hissed, "...you bastard.." as he tried to drag the demon away, to stop him somehow. The doppelganger merely kicked Duo away, and Duo found himself too weak to make a second attempt. "Heero... help me.... please..."  
  
// So hard to feel //  
  
Duo lost the ability to stay sitting up, and he slumped over into the sticky half dried blood on the floor. He started to lose touch with the world around him... and the demon simply disappered.  
  
Crashing through the door at last, Heero found Duo crumpled on the ground. Grabbing some of the bathroom towels closest, he rushed over to Duo. Heero gently turned him over, trying to not think of all the blood that ran across the floor and stained his clothing. All the blood that had come from Duo....  
  
// So hard to breathe //  
  
Heero saw that Duo's eyes were still open, but they'd lost their spark and were glossed over. Duo's body was limp and cold, and Heero thought he was dead. His hearts stopped, and Heero tought for an instant of joinging Duo.... until he saw him take a shakey breath, and watched his eyes blink slowly. Wrapping a towel around each of the cuts Heero applied pressure, praying to every God he knew the name of for help, even though he was not one to believe in such things or rely on outside power for help... anything to increase Duo's slim chance of surviving. Although he wanted to know why... why Duo would do such a thing? But he did not dare ask now. It could wait... and if Duo did die, Heero would join him in the underworld and ask him there. "Duo?! Duo, can you hear me?! Can you speak? Talk to me! Stay awake!"  
  
// Will you forgive me?  
Will you forgive.... me? //  
  
Heero heard a soft sound that he didn't realize was coming from Duo until he saw Duo's lips moving.  
  
"...f-forgive me....forgive me... forgive me.... forgive.... me...."  
  
~~~end  
  
  
  
SnK:Ahhh.... this makes me feel better about all those happy endings that have been slipping into my fics..... Anyone who's read Snakebite, sorry if it sounds familiar.... but I just think this fic is darker and different enough to warrant being posted.... and whenever I listened to the song my mind said "Write fic! Write fic! Write fic!" and since I love the CD with this song on it, I succumbed to the voice.  
Hwoarang:You need help. Serious help.  
SnK:*makes Hwoarang disappear because she doesn't want to deal with him* Don't worry, my next fic (unless connected to this one in some way) will be different... I can almost promise...  
Kilik:Too bad all the muses hate you or are already taken.  
SnK:Do you want to be Zerg food?  
Kilik:No!  
SnK:Alright then....Please review, and if you want a sequel let me know about it (I'm kinda undecided about doing one... *shrugs*). Anyway, reviewing makes Shinigami no Kamikaze a happy lady, and when Shinigami no Kamikaze is a happy lady, she does not send her Zergling after you.  
Zergling:KKKkkkttttt!   
  



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